i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
