Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
