I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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