i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
