I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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