Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Randomize
