I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
