i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
