Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
