he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
