this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
