Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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