Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
