I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
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