Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
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btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
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Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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