Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
