I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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