I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My Sexting was not on an AP level
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
