She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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