just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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