i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize