my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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