Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
3pm strippers are depressing
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
