What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I think a kid would responsible me up
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
