yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
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At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
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I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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