Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
