You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
