Where is the hickey?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
