I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
