I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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