she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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