it wasn't lemon gatorade
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
