Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Even my vagina gasped.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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