To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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