This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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