Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
