grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
