my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
