I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
