You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
