What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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