Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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