Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
