I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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