so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
