Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.