Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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