I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
