where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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