I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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