I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
