Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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