I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
